I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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