she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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