How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you traded sex for a burrito?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
