Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
