It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
