i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
