Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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