My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
