hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My liver just had a heart attack.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
