Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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