aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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