good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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