I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
