I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
