Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
