Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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