i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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