I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
