It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
you never un-have a 4some
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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