You made me cry and you don't even care
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
