Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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