Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize