Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
