I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
either way he was missing a nipple.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize