you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
