im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
