If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize