I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize