I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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