I'm gonna have a badass scar
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
