saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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