I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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