The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
