He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
