dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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