Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
