Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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