I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
