The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
