Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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