She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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