It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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