I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
