Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
