I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
