apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize