you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
