how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
