This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
