I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
