she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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