I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
