i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
