i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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