I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
sarcasm needs its own font
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
