i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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