dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
