I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
