Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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