My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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